Demons, Drugs & Divorce

When I was about 7 years old, my mother and father sat me down on my bed in my room. I can't remember the exact words but they told me they were going to be separated and get a divorce and that "Daddy" wasn't going to live with us anymore. I remember that my mom and dad kept telling me it wasn't my fault and that everything will be okay.

I'm 19 now and I haven't seen my dad since I was 8. I can't remember when I found out why my parents divorced but I can tell you why. My dad was an addict. He had a problem with alcohol and drugs. Once I found this out, I made a pledge to myself to never be like my father. I never want to do drugs like he did and I never want to lose control of drinking alcohol. To this day, I still have not had more than one beer. People with alcoholism in their family have a higher chance of becoming an alcoholic themselves. I do not want to become another statistic of following that trend.

I guess my father had some demons that he couldn't bury enough to get through without "help" from drugs or alcohol. Make no mistake, his decision to use tore up our family. It tore some holes within me and my mother, but it also tore some holes within his own family, my uncles and my grandparents. He hurt so many people, including himself. Sometimes I wonder if he knows the extent of what he did to everyone around him. ...?

About a year ago, I made the decision to send my dad a letter with my email address included in it. This was a huge step, I'd like to think, in the right direction. One day I got an email from my dad. I was so scared to open that email I started to cry. As the year went on, I received emails from him. Sometimes it would take him a couple days or a week to reply. However, there were some points that it would take him longer to reply to my emails. I would always reply to him right away; I wish he would do the same.

All throughout my life after the divorce, My dad would sporadically send me a card on my birthday or the nearest holiday. Sometimes I believe he would forget my birthday but some years he would remember. I don't know why this was but sometimes it would upset me, other times I was just like "it's whatever, I'm used to it."

My mom divorced my dad because it was the right thing to do for us at the time, to get him out of our lives because we were in danger or threatened. She always doubts her decision to leave him, but as I have grown up I support her decision and I thank her for it.

As my father had, or maybe still has, his demons, I have my own. This divorce is always in the back of my mind. And every time I face any relationship with drugs or alcohol, his picture comes in the back of mind and I remember that I don't need to fit in or use those things to escape my problems.

I will always face these demons but I believe that I am a strong enough person to overcome them and move on. I don't need drugs or alcohol in my life. Too bad my father didn't realize that for himself.

...The Limping Lizard.